Parenting and Priorities with Diabetes

This past week I taught an Introduction to Mindfulness course through our community's adult education program. This topic is a delight to teach for many reasons, some of them quite "selfish." When I prepare for a Mindfulness course, I immerse myself in the readings of the "masters" - Jon Kabat-Zinn, Eckhart Tolle, Tchich Nhat Hanh, Jesus, Buddha, Raj. This is real life work, and taking extra time to focus on the practice of (and benefits from) Mindful Living reverberate through to my family, community, and beyond. Frankly, it is one of the most fun courses I've ever taught, primarily because it is accessible HERE, NOW, with no homework, no group projects, no preparation. Life is the preparation, and the practice is simply Paying Attention and Waking Up! 

As I was introducing myself, I found myself sharing that life had handed me two big opportunities for learning and practicing mindful meditation. The first was my diagnosis with diabetes in 1997. Since diabetes requires 24/7 care, it is absolutely essential to live mindfully if I want to live at all....And since I do want to not only live, but to Live Well, with energy, focus, love, joy, contribution and connection, I have many many reasons to care for my diabetes, and to care for myself tenderly and mindfully.  

Life's second big opportunity for mindfulness (did I need another?!) was the unexpected pregnancy with twins, when my first daughter was only 13 months old. When the wee ladies arrived, I had three daughters under the age of 21 months. Talk about a need for mindfulness!!! I remember driving to the NICU to finally bring them home, after 4 weeks of allowing their lungs and hearts to mature, I told my husband, "I really want to be better (than I was for our first child) at paying attention to what the girls are trying to communicate; I want to really know what they need, and I think I can do that by just slowing down more and really getting to know them."   Nice idea....then, reality came, and there was very little "slow down" time, or so it felt.  I never got more than 4 hours sleep in a row for nearly 18 months; I barely recall a good majority of the first year, but somehow in there I managed to nurse twins (one of whom did not take a bottle!), potty train and entertain a toddler, settle in to a new home, resume a yoga and exercise routine, and keep my A1c below 7.0 (nursing really helped with this...) - but, was I particularly aware of much of anything??? Not as often as my mindfully-over-achieving self would have liked to be. 

I realize now that diabetes was really my first child, and it has taught me a lot about "taking care" of those things that are truly priorities. Not that I am by ANY means "expert" at this. You will NOT find me writing a column about organizing your life, or prioritizing made simple, or parenting made easy. Far from it! But Mindful Living, which is truly about "paying attention", is how we live when we are managing our diabetes well! It is how we live when we are truly hearing what our child (or spouse, or friend) is saying. It is how we live when we listen to that voice inside us instead of squelching it with food or alcohol or another superficial chat or exchange that, rather than nourish our soul, muffles it. Listening to, and honoring, our souls, our highest self, can allow the truest priorities to rise to the top, dissolving the others to their relative place of (in)significance. 

Last year, a dear mentor asked me a simple question, "What are your requirements?" Surprisingly, this allowed me to let go of A LOT that was occupying my time - things I thought I had to do, but when it came down to it, were not "required" in my life. That left a lot more space for meditation, and for meaningful connection with my self, my family, and the friends most near and dear to me at this time. I re-visit this question a lot, and it, too, applies in our diabetes care. What are our Diabetes Requirements?? This question brings me back to my integrity. 

Now that my twins are four and their "big" sister nearly six, I can shower uninterrupted; I can (sometimes) sleep an entire night, and I can carve out some space for myself to reflect on this journey we're all on, mindful or not. I have the "luxury" of creating a work-life that involves such questions and answers, because really, what else is there? 

As we are all being called to service by our president and by the times and challenges of our world, we need to remember, too, to put the proverbial oxygen masks on ourselves, so that we may better breathe :) and serve those we love and others who benefit from our health and wellness. One of my top requirements - priorities - is to care, lovingly, for my health. I hope yours is too!  

Be well...!

Diabetes report card - for whom?

This month has been extra hectic. Not only am I managing "life" - mother of three, music teacher, piano teacher, recorder teacher; I am also taking two classes at the local community college. Last winter, I thought I needed to go back to school to become a nurse so that I could work in the healing profession, and work specifically with others with diabetes. Thankfully, it dawned on me last month that that might not be necessary...! But in the meantime, I am studying anatomy and physiology, music appreciation, and in general....taking on too much. 

Those of you with diabetes can guess what has happened to my blood sugar recently. It's been less predictable, and running higher than I'd like. Stress is proven out on my OneTouch screen sometimes when I'm unaware. 

So when my endocrinologist's office called on Monday to say my appointment for that afternoon was cancelled due to an emergency in the office, I was a tad bit relieved. Although I have an absolute DREAM of a doctor - she's not only an endo, but she lives well with type 1 also! - and she would never, ever berate or judge me for my recent highs (we're talking 300-350s highs on occassion), I have this performance expectation of myself, and frankly, I want the "good grade!"    Last A1c was comfortably under 7; my blood pressure and cholesterol were sterling, I had lost 6 pounds but without any problems with lows.... I was glowing for weeks, basking in the beauty of that 'A' report card!!  Now, knowing I'd not earned an A this quarter, I was given a free hall pass... a few more weeks to "do better." 

Silly, really. For whom am I trying to "do better?" !!! Diabetes management is not about getting the good grades; its about what those good grades mean, of course; and what the scores we're nervous about sharing generally mean is, our health and our well-being has been compromised. 

Tomorrow, I get on a plane from Portland to San Diego to join in Taking Control of Your Diabetes' 100th conference! I can hardly wait! It will be a great refresher for me. There is nothing like being surrounded by thousands of folks who, like me, want the "good grades" and are all too human in our work we do to get there. Inspiring each other, supporting each other, and learning from each other, "Yes, We Can....! "  

Getting Started, Part 2

Some days are more inspiring than others. Or is it, some days it is easier to find the inspiration?

Yesterday, I started my day with a run in the rain. Reflecting on this journey into blogging (I'm truly a novice; I rarely read them, and I've never posted to or written one before),  I realized I needed to write something more inspiring than my dance with unconsciousness last week. Symbolically, we are all either choosing to be conscious or "unconscious" to the possibilities and opportunities around us. For me, Diabetes has brought a deeper level of awareness to ALL of life, to every moment's potential and every moment's grace. 

I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 27. Up until then, I would describe my life as, if not "charmed," then at least truly filled with abundant blessings, plenty of good fortune, and loads of "success." Loving family that taught me self-discipline and compassion; cherished friends who shared support, laughter, and life; excellent education; rewarding work as a counselor, then teacher; I "wanted" for nothing. I actually left my graduate program while pursuing a PhD in clinical psychology, feeling like I needed more life experience to gain the wisdom and true experiential empathy I wanted to bring to a healing practice. Hm....enter diabetes! Here comes some experience! 

Diabetes is not something that can be "conquered" in the same way that, say, strep throat can be, or that a marathon course can be, or that a chemistry exam can be. As someone accustomed to outcomes, good at reading "feedback loops" and making adjustments so that I could "win," I had a personality primed to stay on top of my diabetes management. Lots of life experience, but most of it pretty well managed. Now, twelve years into Life with Diabetes, I'm FINALLY accepting, genuinely, that diabetes - constant as it is - is something I must partner with, not conquer. Diabetes is something I work with, not against. Diabetes Humbles me. Diabetes Teaches me. Diabetes does Inspire me.... it inspires me to Pay Attention. 

On and off for the past 20 years I've practiced yoga. Since becoming a mother in 2003 it's been more off than on, but fortunately I've found an amazing community of yoga practitioners in my new-ish home in Oregon, and I'm making more and more time for this "union." Last week, at the end of class during a supported twist pose, something (spirit?) gently spoke to me. Because I was paying attention, I could hear it's message and lovingly attend to it, instead of ignore or gloss over it....the message was a mixture of grief and sadness over the chronicity of this condition, and a reminder that I have all the tools necessary to be healthy....starting with Mindfulness, and ending with Compassion, I can then sandwich in the meal planning, exercise, insulin, etc etc etc.....and it's all just Life.... Does this make sense?? It was a nice release for me....and I'm so grateful to my yoga instructor/inspiration for helping create that space for me in my busy, demanding life...

I've never really "stopped" life to manage my diabetes; even when I was diagnosed, I told the doctor I could manage it without going into the hospital (never mind my A1c was 19.5 and my blood sugar at the time was over 700...looking back, I can't believe she let me go home! I must have been VERY convincing....). Although there have been moments when all I wanted was to check myself into the Joslin and let the experts take over for a week, allowing me a total break....I will read  a little of Bill Polonsky's great book, Diabetes Burnout, and get a new trick up my sleeve; or I will think about all the amazing people I have met and friends I've made because of the shared condition of Diabetes, and I'll gleam with gratitude; or I will take a hot bath and light a candle and just breathe. Whatever, I persevere, as we all do, and I try to focus on Living, even Thriving despite (or even a little because of....) what life delivers. Every breath is a gift. 

Getting Started...

Tonight, I begin the next phase of sharing words and stories of living with diabetes, in hopes of connecting anyone who so desires to be connected...

The timing of this blog is interesting. (Isn't timing usually "interesting?"!) 

Last week, I entered the fortieth year of my life, I watched my three year old twins and their five year old sister dance in Parent Performance Days at ballet, and my husband honored me with a delightful surprise party. Inspiring! 

Last week, we Americans elected Barak Obama to lead our country with integrity, vision, compassion, and....inspiration! 

Last week, in a 1 AM fog of semi-consciousness, I knew "I need sugar. I want to live. I'm not ready to die. Things are getting really juicy..." Thankfully, I had a tattered ziplock bag with about a dozen sour apple (my least favorite) glucose tabs next to my bed. I awkwardly grabbed for the tabs, shadowy moonlight guiding my way...wondering, "Am I dreaming?" Chomped a few tabs, grabbed again for my glucometer. Started talking to myself, "Turn the light on Heather. Prick your left hand, since you picked up the tabs with your right. You want an accurate reading. Just keep going, you're going to be okay. It's not your time yet..."   The meter read 31. I ate some more tabs. The sweat started seeping from my pores, and the hunger monster roared. I checked again (if I'm checking, I'm still alive....)... This tim, 35. Finished the bag of tabs. Now my husband is awake, and worried. I reassure him I'm okay, I set my basal rate on my pump to "1%" for the next hour, and I check again. 69. Yay!!! I really am okay this time! Knowing (hoping) my blood sugar will continue to rise now, Daniel sets the alarm for 3 AM so I can check again, and I fall deeply asleep, exhausted from this emergency in my body. Grateful, oh so grateful, that I woke up and that I will get another day of life; I will get another chance... I slept in a bit that morning, (as much as one can in a small house with three energetic children)...still recovering from the blood sugar rollercoaster, but I woke up - Inspired to connect with the greater diabetes community out there. Inspired to be a healthy example for my daughters. Inspired to share the realities of living fully, with hope and courage and fear and frustration, but ultimately, Living Well with Diabetes...

My friends at TCOYD - Taking Control of Your Diabetes - are participating in an Inspiring fundraiser, one which I encourage you to check  out! It is the Global Diabetes Handprint, and you can visit it at www.DiabetesHandprint.com.  In choosing one word to represent how I feel about diabetes, I explored many... but the one I decided on was Constant. Diabetes is Constant. This is not a judgmental word. Like our breath, like the tides, like our love for our children.....diabetes is constant. Sometimes it is big and rough. Sometimes unpredictable. Sometimes joyful, often demanding my attention. Diabetes is a teacher, and my best lessons come when I am mindfully focused, attending to it with a healthy detachment and loads of love. 

When given the choice, what else would I choose? 

I am honored to share with  you, and I look forward to your stories. 

- Heather :)