Diabetes report card - for whom?

This month has been extra hectic. Not only am I managing "life" - mother of three, music teacher, piano teacher, recorder teacher; I am also taking two classes at the local community college. Last winter, I thought I needed to go back to school to become a nurse so that I could work in the healing profession, and work specifically with others with diabetes. Thankfully, it dawned on me last month that that might not be necessary...! But in the meantime, I am studying anatomy and physiology, music appreciation, and in general....taking on too much. 

Those of you with diabetes can guess what has happened to my blood sugar recently. It's been less predictable, and running higher than I'd like. Stress is proven out on my OneTouch screen sometimes when I'm unaware. 

So when my endocrinologist's office called on Monday to say my appointment for that afternoon was cancelled due to an emergency in the office, I was a tad bit relieved. Although I have an absolute DREAM of a doctor - she's not only an endo, but she lives well with type 1 also! - and she would never, ever berate or judge me for my recent highs (we're talking 300-350s highs on occassion), I have this performance expectation of myself, and frankly, I want the "good grade!"    Last A1c was comfortably under 7; my blood pressure and cholesterol were sterling, I had lost 6 pounds but without any problems with lows.... I was glowing for weeks, basking in the beauty of that 'A' report card!!  Now, knowing I'd not earned an A this quarter, I was given a free hall pass... a few more weeks to "do better." 

Silly, really. For whom am I trying to "do better?" !!! Diabetes management is not about getting the good grades; its about what those good grades mean, of course; and what the scores we're nervous about sharing generally mean is, our health and our well-being has been compromised. 

Tomorrow, I get on a plane from Portland to San Diego to join in Taking Control of Your Diabetes' 100th conference! I can hardly wait! It will be a great refresher for me. There is nothing like being surrounded by thousands of folks who, like me, want the "good grades" and are all too human in our work we do to get there. Inspiring each other, supporting each other, and learning from each other, "Yes, We Can....! "  

Getting Started, Part 2

Some days are more inspiring than others. Or is it, some days it is easier to find the inspiration?

Yesterday, I started my day with a run in the rain. Reflecting on this journey into blogging (I'm truly a novice; I rarely read them, and I've never posted to or written one before),  I realized I needed to write something more inspiring than my dance with unconsciousness last week. Symbolically, we are all either choosing to be conscious or "unconscious" to the possibilities and opportunities around us. For me, Diabetes has brought a deeper level of awareness to ALL of life, to every moment's potential and every moment's grace. 

I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 27. Up until then, I would describe my life as, if not "charmed," then at least truly filled with abundant blessings, plenty of good fortune, and loads of "success." Loving family that taught me self-discipline and compassion; cherished friends who shared support, laughter, and life; excellent education; rewarding work as a counselor, then teacher; I "wanted" for nothing. I actually left my graduate program while pursuing a PhD in clinical psychology, feeling like I needed more life experience to gain the wisdom and true experiential empathy I wanted to bring to a healing practice. Hm....enter diabetes! Here comes some experience! 

Diabetes is not something that can be "conquered" in the same way that, say, strep throat can be, or that a marathon course can be, or that a chemistry exam can be. As someone accustomed to outcomes, good at reading "feedback loops" and making adjustments so that I could "win," I had a personality primed to stay on top of my diabetes management. Lots of life experience, but most of it pretty well managed. Now, twelve years into Life with Diabetes, I'm FINALLY accepting, genuinely, that diabetes - constant as it is - is something I must partner with, not conquer. Diabetes is something I work with, not against. Diabetes Humbles me. Diabetes Teaches me. Diabetes does Inspire me.... it inspires me to Pay Attention. 

On and off for the past 20 years I've practiced yoga. Since becoming a mother in 2003 it's been more off than on, but fortunately I've found an amazing community of yoga practitioners in my new-ish home in Oregon, and I'm making more and more time for this "union." Last week, at the end of class during a supported twist pose, something (spirit?) gently spoke to me. Because I was paying attention, I could hear it's message and lovingly attend to it, instead of ignore or gloss over it....the message was a mixture of grief and sadness over the chronicity of this condition, and a reminder that I have all the tools necessary to be healthy....starting with Mindfulness, and ending with Compassion, I can then sandwich in the meal planning, exercise, insulin, etc etc etc.....and it's all just Life.... Does this make sense?? It was a nice release for me....and I'm so grateful to my yoga instructor/inspiration for helping create that space for me in my busy, demanding life...

I've never really "stopped" life to manage my diabetes; even when I was diagnosed, I told the doctor I could manage it without going into the hospital (never mind my A1c was 19.5 and my blood sugar at the time was over 700...looking back, I can't believe she let me go home! I must have been VERY convincing....). Although there have been moments when all I wanted was to check myself into the Joslin and let the experts take over for a week, allowing me a total break....I will read  a little of Bill Polonsky's great book, Diabetes Burnout, and get a new trick up my sleeve; or I will think about all the amazing people I have met and friends I've made because of the shared condition of Diabetes, and I'll gleam with gratitude; or I will take a hot bath and light a candle and just breathe. Whatever, I persevere, as we all do, and I try to focus on Living, even Thriving despite (or even a little because of....) what life delivers. Every breath is a gift. 

Getting Started...

Tonight, I begin the next phase of sharing words and stories of living with diabetes, in hopes of connecting anyone who so desires to be connected...

The timing of this blog is interesting. (Isn't timing usually "interesting?"!) 

Last week, I entered the fortieth year of my life, I watched my three year old twins and their five year old sister dance in Parent Performance Days at ballet, and my husband honored me with a delightful surprise party. Inspiring! 

Last week, we Americans elected Barak Obama to lead our country with integrity, vision, compassion, and....inspiration! 

Last week, in a 1 AM fog of semi-consciousness, I knew "I need sugar. I want to live. I'm not ready to die. Things are getting really juicy..." Thankfully, I had a tattered ziplock bag with about a dozen sour apple (my least favorite) glucose tabs next to my bed. I awkwardly grabbed for the tabs, shadowy moonlight guiding my way...wondering, "Am I dreaming?" Chomped a few tabs, grabbed again for my glucometer. Started talking to myself, "Turn the light on Heather. Prick your left hand, since you picked up the tabs with your right. You want an accurate reading. Just keep going, you're going to be okay. It's not your time yet..."   The meter read 31. I ate some more tabs. The sweat started seeping from my pores, and the hunger monster roared. I checked again (if I'm checking, I'm still alive....)... This tim, 35. Finished the bag of tabs. Now my husband is awake, and worried. I reassure him I'm okay, I set my basal rate on my pump to "1%" for the next hour, and I check again. 69. Yay!!! I really am okay this time! Knowing (hoping) my blood sugar will continue to rise now, Daniel sets the alarm for 3 AM so I can check again, and I fall deeply asleep, exhausted from this emergency in my body. Grateful, oh so grateful, that I woke up and that I will get another day of life; I will get another chance... I slept in a bit that morning, (as much as one can in a small house with three energetic children)...still recovering from the blood sugar rollercoaster, but I woke up - Inspired to connect with the greater diabetes community out there. Inspired to be a healthy example for my daughters. Inspired to share the realities of living fully, with hope and courage and fear and frustration, but ultimately, Living Well with Diabetes...

My friends at TCOYD - Taking Control of Your Diabetes - are participating in an Inspiring fundraiser, one which I encourage you to check  out! It is the Global Diabetes Handprint, and you can visit it at www.DiabetesHandprint.com.  In choosing one word to represent how I feel about diabetes, I explored many... but the one I decided on was Constant. Diabetes is Constant. This is not a judgmental word. Like our breath, like the tides, like our love for our children.....diabetes is constant. Sometimes it is big and rough. Sometimes unpredictable. Sometimes joyful, often demanding my attention. Diabetes is a teacher, and my best lessons come when I am mindfully focused, attending to it with a healthy detachment and loads of love. 

When given the choice, what else would I choose? 

I am honored to share with  you, and I look forward to your stories. 

- Heather :)