Getting Started, Part 2

Some days are more inspiring than others. Or is it, some days it is easier to find the inspiration?

Yesterday, I started my day with a run in the rain. Reflecting on this journey into blogging (I'm truly a novice; I rarely read them, and I've never posted to or written one before),  I realized I needed to write something more inspiring than my dance with unconsciousness last week. Symbolically, we are all either choosing to be conscious or "unconscious" to the possibilities and opportunities around us. For me, Diabetes has brought a deeper level of awareness to ALL of life, to every moment's potential and every moment's grace. 

I was diagnosed with diabetes at age 27. Up until then, I would describe my life as, if not "charmed," then at least truly filled with abundant blessings, plenty of good fortune, and loads of "success." Loving family that taught me self-discipline and compassion; cherished friends who shared support, laughter, and life; excellent education; rewarding work as a counselor, then teacher; I "wanted" for nothing. I actually left my graduate program while pursuing a PhD in clinical psychology, feeling like I needed more life experience to gain the wisdom and true experiential empathy I wanted to bring to a healing practice. Hm....enter diabetes! Here comes some experience! 

Diabetes is not something that can be "conquered" in the same way that, say, strep throat can be, or that a marathon course can be, or that a chemistry exam can be. As someone accustomed to outcomes, good at reading "feedback loops" and making adjustments so that I could "win," I had a personality primed to stay on top of my diabetes management. Lots of life experience, but most of it pretty well managed. Now, twelve years into Life with Diabetes, I'm FINALLY accepting, genuinely, that diabetes - constant as it is - is something I must partner with, not conquer. Diabetes is something I work with, not against. Diabetes Humbles me. Diabetes Teaches me. Diabetes does Inspire me.... it inspires me to Pay Attention. 

On and off for the past 20 years I've practiced yoga. Since becoming a mother in 2003 it's been more off than on, but fortunately I've found an amazing community of yoga practitioners in my new-ish home in Oregon, and I'm making more and more time for this "union." Last week, at the end of class during a supported twist pose, something (spirit?) gently spoke to me. Because I was paying attention, I could hear it's message and lovingly attend to it, instead of ignore or gloss over it....the message was a mixture of grief and sadness over the chronicity of this condition, and a reminder that I have all the tools necessary to be healthy....starting with Mindfulness, and ending with Compassion, I can then sandwich in the meal planning, exercise, insulin, etc etc etc.....and it's all just Life.... Does this make sense?? It was a nice release for me....and I'm so grateful to my yoga instructor/inspiration for helping create that space for me in my busy, demanding life...

I've never really "stopped" life to manage my diabetes; even when I was diagnosed, I told the doctor I could manage it without going into the hospital (never mind my A1c was 19.5 and my blood sugar at the time was over 700...looking back, I can't believe she let me go home! I must have been VERY convincing....). Although there have been moments when all I wanted was to check myself into the Joslin and let the experts take over for a week, allowing me a total break....I will read  a little of Bill Polonsky's great book, Diabetes Burnout, and get a new trick up my sleeve; or I will think about all the amazing people I have met and friends I've made because of the shared condition of Diabetes, and I'll gleam with gratitude; or I will take a hot bath and light a candle and just breathe. Whatever, I persevere, as we all do, and I try to focus on Living, even Thriving despite (or even a little because of....) what life delivers. Every breath is a gift.